American Vampire #19

Deadpoolmax #12 (of 12)

Kick-Ass 2 #4

Wolverine: Best There Is #10

Terminator/Robocop Kill Human #3 (of 4)

In an effort to do a better job of keeping my blog up to date, I’ve decided to do weekly comic book reviews. If I know myself at all, this will likely last a few weeks, and then be abandoned forever, much like my attempt at a daily P90X journal. But then again, maybe not! My reviews are going to be short, because I honestly probably don’t have a lot to say. My plan is to come up with some sort of rating system, and hopefully it’ll be more exciting than a simple 1 to 10 scale. We shall see. Also, I will only be reviewing comics that I follow and am interested in. You’ll just have to trust me when I say that I don’t read shitty comics.

Since comic book day is tomorrow, I guess today I’ll just post a list of comic series that I’m currently subscribed to (to the best of my memory), organized by publisher.

Vertigo:

American Vampire

DMZ

Northlanders

Scalped

Sweet Tooth

The Unwritten

DC Comics (all from New 52, some I may not remain subscribed to):

Action Comics

Animal Man

Batgirl

Batman

Batwoman

Catwoman

Detective Comics

Frankenstein: Agent of S.H.A.D.E. (no, really, it’s actually pretty good)

Swamp Thing

Wonder Woman

IDW:

Locke & Key

The Cape

Image Comics:

Butcher Baker the Righteous Maker

Chew

Morning Glories

Severed

The Walking Dead

Marvel Comics:

Deadpoolmax

Punishermax

Wolverine: Best There Is

Kick-Ass

Dynamite:

The Boys

Terminator/Robocop: Kill Human

Avatar:

Caligula

Crossed

Wait a second… I don’t like seeing all of these written out, because now I recognize the money pit that comic books are. And I think I might be way more nerdy than I ever thought possible.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

One of these bad boys can be yours for a modest $99,500. I can’t really afford it right now, but it’s looking to be a likely buy for Summer 2012!

Dexter is back! With Mos Def and Edward James Olmos Motherfucking Adama as guest stars? Thank you, Jesus.

Interesting seeing Steve Jobs pitch an idea to a group that’s a little different from Apple’s typical fan base. The guy is a true salesman.

Wow. 17 days in. That’s more than one sixth of the program that I’ve completed so far. No one has done this before me. I truly am an exceptional human being. I recently had to have all of the door frames enlarged at my apartment and my two places of employment because my pectoral muscles were obliterating them every time I walked sideways into another room. All of this is true.

Really, though, P90X is going great. I’ve finally gotten used to the diet, and though I don’t follow it quite to the letter, I am now able to properly assess the types of food I should be eating as well as the portions. I’ve fallen into a kind of routine where I can plan ahead, leading to less packed and stress-filled days of preparing a billion dishes. I’ve also gotten onto a more economical schedule with my grocery shopping, so I just need to replace this or that item that I’ve run out of here and there, rather than going out and spending $345092347568 on groceries I have never bought, nor even heard of before.

And I have to admit, I am definitely seeing results. My narcissism is such that I keep regular tabs on the state of my physique. Since starting P90X, I have lost a significant portion of the (admittedly minimal) fat on my body, and am slowly but surely increasing muscle mass. The most pronounced change has been in my abdominal area. AB RIPPER X has been paying off in the most astonishing way. I’m only 2.5 weeks in, and I don’t think I had abs like this even when I was wrestling in high school. This shit is bananas. I have no idea how much of an impact the protein shakes are having on my ability to build muscle, but I’m pretty impressed with this whole workout program. Today was a particularly great P90X day for me personally.

5:50 - I am awake! There’s this stuff I ordered last week called XTEND. I know, I know, it sounds like the “male enhancement” pill ExtenZe, but according to the product description, XTEND is not quite the same. Similar to ExtenZe, it helps promote “muscle” growth, but unlike ExtenZe, it promotes ALL MUSCLE GROWTH. Wait, this sounds like steroids. Okay, let’s back up for a second. XTEND is mainly BCAAs. I’m sure you are all impressed with my great knowledge of science thingys. But really, I don’t know what the fuck that is. It stands for Branched Chain Amino Acids. What does it do? Ummm, the impression I get is that it supplies your body with nutrients that start working immediately, rather than something like whey protein that will take longer to be absorbed by your system. The idea is that you feel a bit more energized during your work out, and you can do more and blah blah blah. Who knows how much of it is bullshit and how much isn’t. Still, I bought some to try. So I wake up and have a protein shake and some XTEND.

6:10 - I’m dressed and ready to go. Yesterday I picked up a new pair of shoes. They’re these Nike Free things that are supposed to make you feel like you’re barefoot. I dunno, they feel like shoes to me, but I really do like them. They’re light and comfortable and flexible and black and all that. ANYWAY, today is the Shoulders & Arms workout, followed by another grueling 15-minute session of AB RIPPER X. (By the way, when I use all caps, you should read it as a loud growl.) Now that I’ve done these exercises a couple of times in weeks past, I’m more confident and lifting more… resistance band. I’ve upgraded to “Black Band” for most of the exercises. Whatever, it’s a good workout and all, but I’m going to skip to the exciting part of my morning:

7:10 - It’s time for AB RIPPER X! As usual, I’m tired from already working out for an ENTIRE HOUR, but that’s why P90X is so XTREME! This is the 8th time I’ve done the ‘Ripper, and each time I do a little better. As I’ve probably explained in an earlier post, there’s 11 different exercises and you do 25 reps of each (for the most part). Some of them I’ve been able to manage, while other have continued to dog me. Especially these phieffer scissor fuckers, or however you spell it. It sounds so simple. You lie down, have one leg out straight an inch above the ground, and the other leg up in the air… basically striving to make an L with your 2 legs. You hold it for a few seconds, and then switch legs. 25 times. It really doesn’t sound that bad. But it is. There are also a couple other exercises that I find almost as hard and have been unable to complete all 25 reps of. But today, my friends… today is different.

On this day, June 8th of year two thousand and eleven, I successfully complete EVERY SINGLE EXERCISE IN THEIR ENTIRETY. It is the first time I’m able to finish the workout and when Tony says “You just completed Ab Ripper X,” I feel like he is talking to ME. Needless to say, I am very pleased. This is a breakthrough. I spend the day feeling like an accomplished athlete. Nothing can bring me down. Nothing at all. 

Oh wait…

MY FUCKING CHICKEN GOT STOLEN!

That’s right. I scored 3 fresh, fully cooked chicken breasts in an office fridge this afternoon. They were in a Zip-Loc bag, labelled with my initials, minding their own fucking business. Here at work, initials are LAW. I can’t even begin to explain how happy I was about this chicken. That’s like three chicken salads! That’s days worth of lunch for me. That’s like 6 chicken sandwiches without the waffle fries… FOR FREE! These days there’s not a whole lot of food at work that fits into my rigid P90X nutrition plan. TODAY WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A SPECIAL DAY!

FUCK YOU, you chicken-stealing, cocksucking, dream-robbing motherfucker. If I find out who you are, you’re finished! Better enter witness protection. Better get a gender, race, and face change. Actually, don’t bother. I’ll still find you. NOBODY TOUCHES PRENT CHICKEN WITHOUT PERMISSION! And permission wasn’t granted, bitch.

I also scored a whole bunch of pork chops, so I guess that’s cool, too.

Well Tumblr is stupid. This was my day 4 post that was ALMOST finished, when I had to leave this work computer and go home. When I opened my laptop at home, however, I found that it hadn’t saved. This made me angry, and since I already had some catching up to do, I just got frustrated and didn’t do anything. But lo and behold, I come into work today, log onto Tumblr and it’s like “Hey Jesse, you have an unsaved post, because we totally fucked your shit up. Would you like to retrieve it?” So I clicked the “goddamn right, bitch” button, and it’s magically back. So I’m gonna fill in the last little bit (to the best of my memory), and then I guess we’re gonna have to skip ahead a few days for the next post.

Day 4

6:10 - I wake up to my fist clenched around my phone as it vibrates. Apparently, while still asleep, I managed to grab my phone when the alarm first went off and hit the snooze button. So much for the trend of waking up 15 minutes early. Now I’m 10 minutes late. And of course the Yoga X workout is an hour and a half, instead of just an hour. I’ve decided the night before to forego a full breakfast before the workout, so I just eat a banana. It tastes pretty good, but there’s always that little black thingy at the bottom of the fruit that looks like some sort of parasite that’s had its head stuck up my banana’s asshole since birth. You know what I’m talking about. Probably not. But it’s there, and I don’t like it.

6:30 - I laugh at the name Yoga X. What kind of a paradox is that? Peaceful yoga cannot be XTREME. That’s silly. So with my workout clothes and shoes on, and I turn myself over to Tony for the next 90 minutes. It takes about 30 of those to realize that no one in the video is wearing shoes while doing yoga. I clearly missed the memo. Also, my sweatpants are way too big for me, so it is completely impossible for me to do much of anything. After coming to grips with this horrifying revelation, I’m back on my feet. Or on one foot, holding another foot above my head, while one hand scratches my lower back and another arm goes to the kitchen to fetch more water. 

7:50 - Turns out I judged Yoga X too early. Though I feel a little more flexible, I’ve also expelled all of the fluids in my body (all of them.) and discovered that the perfect balance I have always been so proud of does not actually exist. I’ve been humbled. Tony finishes us with some calming stretches, before performing the loudest and most XTREME “OHM” breathing I’ve ever heard. Thanks, but no thanks. How can I clear my mind with this motherfucker’s non-stop encouragement?

Workout is done, I hate yoga, I make myself some lunch and head to work. Here’s a little story about my day:

While at work, I come to the awful realization that I have not put the required minimum payment towards to my bank loan yet this month. I took this loan out like 4 years ago, when I lived near 5230989574932875 TD Banks. Then I moved to Boston, where there were literally 3. And none near where I was living. Now they’ve added a few more, but I didn’t have the patience for that to happen, so I opened an account with Bank of America. For the past couple years, I have done absolutely nothing with my TD account. It exists merely to collect money for my loan each month, which is automatically taken out. Since I don’t keep money in that account, however, it means I have to be sure to put the $150 or so dollars I owe into it before the 25th of each month. Otherwise, they charge me an overdraft fee. This month, I forgot.

It’s the 26th. I check my account and see that the money was withdrawn, my account is now overdrawn, plus I owe for a $35 overdraft fee. That will not do. The fee is still pending, so I run 20 minutes from work in the blazing heat to the nearest TD Bank. I assume that they will not be able to waive the fee, and I will before to be $35 poorer than I should be. But to my pleasant surprise, Alex (I think) gets on his computer, does some click click clicks, and finds out that because I have a student checking account and because I have never had an overdraft fee voided before (bullshit), he can in fact waive it for me. This is awesome. I am very happy. Then he does the smart thing, and decides to bank (get it?) on this opportunity.

“Would you like to donate $5 to the Special Olympics and get this bracelet?”

I’m all for charity, no doubt about it. But there’s a reason I’m so desperate to get this overdraft fee removed. I CAN’T AFFORD IT! Of course, if I say no, then I hate the Special Olympics and am a complete asshole. He knows I’m going to cave, and after about 3 seconds of contemplation, I agree.

I leave the bank with a smile on my face and a bracelet on my wrist. I will wear this fine bracelet when I do my P90X routine; as I’m struggling through push-ups, squats, and leaps, it will remind me of the kinds of hurdles (metaphorical, obviously) those with disabilities are forced to face every day of their lives. And that, my friends, is inspiration worth $5.

Despite the Spicy Pork Torta slip-up, I continue to be committed to P90X. I will overcome.

Last night’s dinner: tuna salad, roasted red pepper soup, and asparagus. Casein protein shake with skim milk before bed.

Here are a couple of things I’ve noticed in these first 3 days. For one, I now have radioactive urine. It’s the neon version of neon yellow. Unless I drink about 300 glasses of water a day, I cannot keep it transparent. I’ve been informed that this is the result of my body being unable to process all of the vitamins it’s taking in. And of course the cure is: more water. More water or kidney death. Both are totally P90XTREME!

Another thing is that I am not losing any weight, but actually gaining some. I don’t know how. Maybe it’s the gigantic portions of food that I am forced to eat everyday. I’ve heard them say that muscle weighs 3 times more than fat. But I am not totally ripped yet. I do not understand. I have already completed 1/30th of this program. I should look like the Infidelinator by now. What the fuck.

Anyway, those are my observations. Onto the boring summary of my morning. It’s really not that interesting today, people.

Again I wake up at 5:30, before my alarm goes off. As I sober myself out of sleep, I realize the horrible pain that my body is in. Everything is sore, and I have absolutely no desire to get out of bed and put myself through an hour of torture. And yet…

Now that I’m more aware of the morning time constraints, I quickly get dressed and move to the kitchen. The plan is a tomato, spinach, basil, and mozzarella omelette, as well as cottage cheese and strawberries. Yes, I realize that my morning P90X breakfasts have not been particularly diverse, but I have all of some types of food, and I don’t feel like going out and spending a shitload of money right away on other things as well. 

5:55 - Eggstreme egg white omelette fails. It becomes an egg white scramble instead. Pretty much EXACTLY what I had the morning before. Doesn’t matter, it does the job. But goddamn, these egg-based breakfasts are pretty giant. I eat my cottage cheese, too.

6:10 - Food has been successfully devoured. I’m polishing off a few strawberries. I drink some water, and I take a multivitamin and a fish oil supplement. I do some dishes, take my post-breakfast poop, and alternately read “A Game of Thrones” and the P90X fitness guide. Today will be Arms and Shoulders. I smile grimly to myself as I raise the glass of water to my lips, and feel the already-present tiredness and soreness in my…. arms and shoulders. I realize at this point that not only am I supposed to do the Arms and Shoulders workout, but also another round AB RIPPER X. Checking the run time of the two, I realize that the whole workout is going to be an hour and 20 minutes. I learned my less the other day, so I know that I can’t really start my workout until 7:10, which leaves me very little time to shower, make lunch, and get to work. Big time miscalculation. Still, I don’t bother making lunch at this point, cause “Game of Thrones” IS TOO FUCKING AWESOME.

7:10 - The workout begins. As promised it’s all about biceps, triceps, and shoulders. It isn’t an easy workout by any means, but it’s actually a welcome relief after the previous two days. It’s basically just lifting weights for an hour (or green, red, and blue resistance bands, in my case), and though my arms are already horribly sore, after warming up and stretching briefly, the workout provides a burn that is not too awful and quite satisfying. This is surprising, because there is no disabled person to motivate me today. As before, a couple of these exercises are confusing as shit, and I certainly don’t have time to pause and rewind. Luckily we go through each exercise twice, so I get the hang it all eventually.

8:10 - I’m sweating balls and aching. I don’t feel like working out anymore. I feel like eating a giant bowl of forbidden pasta and napping for the rest of eternity. Hmm… must be the perfect time for a little bit of AB RIPPER X! I am significantly worse at this 15 minute workout than I was on day 1. My abs are sore, but that’s not the issue. It’s my fucking back that just doesn’t have the strength to keep up. I power through anyways, and when I’m done, I actually feel pretty excellent, despite how tired I am.

9:30 - Quick shower. I prepare the majority of a chef’s salad for a lunch, and peace out to work. Late, as usual.

I take a brief break from work to go to the grocery store. I buy some heirloom tomatoes, low-fat ranch dressing, and a Cliff Builder bar (Cookies ‘n Cream - delicious). I expect my chef’s salad will be delicious. Romaine lettuce, arugula, tomato, onion, cucumber, avocado, turkey breast, and ham. With the low-fat ranch dressing.

My co-workers go to lunch and return with various forms of depraved carb-loaded evil. I beat them all to within an inch of their lives. Then I perform Fatalities. Only 87 more days to go!

And so it begins. Again. 

I wake up at 5:30 this time, 15 minutes before my alarm is set to go off. I’m just so ready to get my fuck on with P90X this morning. I forgot to mention in the last post that I made myself an excellent casein protein shake before bed, so protein is coursing through my veins. I don’t actually know if that’s a thing that happens, but shut up. I’m ready to rock and roll.

6:15 - I’ve finished my breakfast, which consisted of a 6 egg white scramble with spinach, tomato, chevre, and basil. Also, half a grapefruit, and plenty of water. I learned my lesson on day 1, now I’ve got an hour to kill before extreme workout begins. Naturally, I decide to grab my Kindle and continue reading the awesomeness that is “Game of Thrones.” Nothing gets you more pumped for a workout than reading about bloody sword fights, whores, and people having molten metal poured over their face.

7:10 - So much epic shit happend in the 55 minutes I spent reading “Game of Thrones” that my stomach digested the food in it extra fast, and I’m ready to begin PLYOMETRICS. X. This is an hour of jumping around, and a big leg workout. And of course, it’s even more difficult than I expected.

INTERLUDE - So Tony is not the only person in these videos. He usually has like 3 other P90X participants doing the workout with him; they are testaments to the success of P90X. For this LEG WORKOUT that involves JUMPING with your FEET AND LEGS, one of the demonstrators has A PROSTHETIC LEG. There are few things more frustrating and detrimentally motivating than watching a guy who has half as much leg as you be at least four times as good as you at jumping around. Well, after doing some research on the strangely familiar-looking Erik with one real leg, it turns out I’ve seen him before. In fact, a lot of us probably have. HE IS ONE OF THE MAIN CHARACTERS IN SUPER TROOPERS! Yes, the funny movie with the Vermont cops who chug maple syrup and make fun of Farva. Erik is Eric Stolhanske, AKA Rabbit, AKA The Rookie with no mustache. Who knew that the stoner cop from Super Troopers has a fake leg and can still kick my ass at P90X?

8:10 - Unlike yesterday, I am able to make it through the entire workout without taking a break (or a nap). As I said, watching someone who lacks a leg be way more awesome than you is powerful motivator. For the Arms and Shoulders workout tomorrow, I expect that there will be a demonstrator with a grand total of one-half arms. This is actually the best idea ever. Well done, Tony. You’ve discovered that secret to getting people “in the best shape of their life” is to make them lose to cripples every single day. No wonder this DVD workout set costs $120.

Shower happens, whey protein shake happens, lunch of tuna salad and green salad comes with me to work, along with more almonds and Vanilla Toffee Fudge protein bar. I don’t know how something as delicious as this protein bar could possibly be beneficial to me, but I’m not about to ask questions. My urine is neon yellow. Kind of disturbing, but mostly cool. Still, I decide that I need more water, and drink about a half gallon, making sure to check my pee concentration every 10 minutes. I’m back up to pure transparence! 

I admit that when lunch rolls around, I pass up the tuna salad, and instead opt for a motherfucking Spicy Pork Torta. This is my favorite sandwich in Boston. Spicy Pork Tortas are also only available on Spicy Pork Torta Tuesdays. Don’t look at me like that. I worked hard and I decided to treat myself, asshole.

As Tony say, “see you next time! Go make yourself a Recovery Drink, and make sure to order more of our overpriced products!”

Indeed.

I’ve been meaning to do this whole P90X program ever since it was successfully completed by my friend who I refuse to let surpass me in physical prowess. And so, the planets and stars aligned just right, and this morning I began the ascent.

For those of you who are unfamiliar, P90X is a 90-day workout program/nutrition plan that’s supposed to get you RIPPED. And based on all of the before-and-after pics that people upload to the internet, it appears to work quite well. You spend an hour a day, 6 days a week, listening to Tony encourage and command you to “Bring It!” Whatever the fuck that means. So I’m gonna BRING IT, and make Tony proud.

Here’s how Day 1 went.

5:50 AM - I wake up 10 minutes early. I’m just too pumped to “get in the best shape of my life” to sleep any longer. Go to the kitchen, and proceeded to craft my first P90X breakfast meal. I take some liberties here, and improvise a bit, but keep true to the “portion plan” that is set for me. Portion plan is code for shitloads of protein and vegetables. I make a 5-egg white omelette with UglyRipe tomatoes, low-fat mozzarella, and basil. I’m a bit of a rebel and totally not a fatass, so I throw in a yolk too. Needless to say, this was a big fucking omelette. But I needed my energy.

6:20 - Time to move on to the second portion of breakfast (yes, there’s more). A cup of cottage cheese, and cup of fresh strawberries. And water water water water. This is a lot of food, but I can handle it. And I feel great. I feel like I could punch everyone in the world one after another and deliver a killing blow every time. So I roll out my cute little yoga mat, pull out my set of color-coded resistance bands, and get ready to run to the other room and do pull-ups at a moment’s notice.

6:45 - Still finishing this bowl of gross-tasting fat-free cottage cheese and under-ripe strawberries. I still feel energized, but something seems not quite right. I watch the first 10 minutes of the Chest and Back Workout DVD, just to get an idea of what I’m going to be doing.

7:00 - It’s time to begin. Tony gets me warmed up with some gentle jogging in place. I say a silent prayer, begging the gods of P90X to not let my roommate wake and see me taking directions from what is basically a glorified aerobics video led by an extreme version of Richard Simmons. This exercise mat of mine is new, so whenever I lift my feet, it sounds like I’m tearing a sticker off of a piece of plastic. I’m thankful once the silent pushups and pull-ups begin. For about 2 minutes. Let me take this moment to make something very clear - this is not an easy workout. I hate Tony and his non-stop yapping, but I hate the thought of failure even more. So I press on. His demonstration team shouts out their rep goals with each exercise - “15,” “25,” “36!” And I’m like, “fuck that, i’ll do 6.”

7:30 - I feel like every word that could be used to describe the opposite of “good.”

7:45 - Now is when I realize that I did not eat at the right time. Not only is my entire upper body in pain, but I suddenly feel like I’m about to rebirth an entire omelette, along with a shitload of cottage cheese. My roommate is in the bathroom showering, and I refuse to vomit in the kitchen sink. So I do something completely shameful - I give up. Not only do I give up, but I go straight to my room and take a half hour nap before work.

8:30 - I get out of the shower, throw together the recommended lunch of a chef’s salad, down a whey protein shake (surprisingly delicious), and go to work.

Once I’m at work, I actually feel pretty good, and spend the first part of the day lifting various lights, climbing ladders and stairs, and other fairly active things. Whatever, work isn’t of interest. I eat my chef’s salad and a bunch of boring-ass plain almonds.

Back at home, I decide to finish the workout. That’s about 10 minutes of the Chest and Back video that I hadn’t gotten to, as well as AB RIPPER X. This is how you get awesome abs, apparently. I don’t think the workout is even a full 15 minutes, but by the end I am sweaty, weak, and glad to be finished. For dinner I make myself brown rice, asparagus, and the P90X recipe for roasted red pepper soup. I’m supposed to have a 6oz salmon fillet. But those are expensive. So instead I decide to eat one of my monstrous 12oz pork chops that I got from work. Whatever, it’s got protein, right? It’s a pretty awesome meal.